Here's how it works:
- The Uber Driver app overlays a heat map on its normal map to tell us drivers where there's demand for rides.
- The heat map goes from Light Orange to Blood Red to Really Damn Red depending on the demand. (Yes, Really Damn Red is a color. Check your jumbo Crayola box.)
- More demand = greater probability of ride requests and surge fees.
E.g., Friday and Saturday nights after 2:00am, Charles St. in Fed Hill is Really Damn Red — and blocked off by police so the kids don't get run over — weekday mornings and late afternoons go from Orange to Somewhat Red (also in the Crayola box) in Fed, Fells, Canton, Towson and Essex.
Except this week.
This week the heat maps don't exist. At all. Nowhere. Not even in Towson, usually an ever evolving orgy of orange/red.
(No, there is no Orange-Red Orgy in the Crayola box. I checked.)
Monday afternoon–evening I received 6 ride requests in 4 hours. Yesterday morning 4 in 4 hours. This morning 0 ride requests in 3 hours. Actually, there was a Light Orange spot on the map somewhere up 95 when I left the house but by the time I exited the Tunnel it was gone.
I drove around 695 to 83, 83 to Fayette, Fayette to Charles and Penn Station, to St. Paul to the harbor to Fells to Canton.
Zilcho (also not a color in the Crayola box). In fact, even the city traffic itself has been ghostly in comparison to its normally frustrating, hellrific self.
All of which adds up to No Money. No Money is bad. Spring Break is killing me. Perhaps I should have driven to Florida for the week, or wherever the kids exorcise their primal urges these days.
So what does a boy do when he makes no money? A boy spends money, of course! On a consolation latte at Starbucks, in this case. Truth be told, I had enough stars for a free drink so I spent my consolation money on an Old-Fashioned Doughnut.
A boy also occupies himself with cataloging various apartment names throughout the City. You see, the City is frantically gentrifying itself, part of which includes repurposing those grand old buildings with many being converted to apartments or condos of one kind or another. I'm curious to see what they look like on the inside and I want to look them up on the interweb.
So I would say aloud, "Hey Siri…" (Siri sound) "…make a note." (Siri sound) "OK, I can do that. What would you like your note to say?" (Siri sound) And I would say, "1201 North Charles Apartments" or "Equitable Apartments dot com". And then Siri would say, (Siri sound) "Ok, I've made your note. It says 'Equitable Apartments dot com'", etc.
The last note I told Siri to make before my consolation latte/doughnut was "Tindeco Wharf dot com." (Siri sound) "Ok, I've made your note. It says 'Tentacle Porn dot com'".
I nearly drove off the road.